narrative i In that very first moment, he can feel himself getting too deep. It's almost as if someone took away his oxygen tank and, instead of floating back up to the surface for air, it felt as if something had grabbed ahold of his ankle and began to pull him farther, and farther, and farther down into the deep and dark ocean. Someone that wouldn't let go, or better yet something. There was something down in that dark cavernous ocean where nothing could survive, or could it? The breath in his chest felt as if it were slowly seeping out in wave after wave of small bubble; they're the ones that can escape... But he cannot. He's being pulled down, dragging, the air fleeting slowly and consciousness wavering in and out. The only thing on his mind at that moment is how he feels, at that very moment, that he's never going to be whole again, and that there was something that he was missing, there was something that was being stolen from him. Maybe it wasn't the air. Maybe it was something else. Reality hits him just as her shoe lunges straight into his chest, knocking him back a step because he's unaware of what's happening. Her words are coming out like miniature sharks, flooding from her lips and heading straight for their target: him. All he can think about is why?Why me? Why this? Why does this need to happen now? His first reaction is to throw his hands up in a defense that was needed just mere moments before as the heel had struck him right on the chest and, if he'd been paying attention, he probably could have caught it and in a reaction of some sort, could have thrown it back in her general direction. But he doesn't, and he wouldn't. There's another slew of knives spewing from her lips as she moves to remove the matching red pump that he's holding in his left hand, throwing the other one directly at him. He stands there, unmoving like a brick wall, and lets it hit him yet again, though this time he doesn't move to pick it up and he doesn't fall back a step. Maybe it's his age. Maybe it's the mere fact that he's covered head to toe in tattoos, or maybe it's the fact that he's too young to know what's wanted, or needed, from him in that moment. His mind is clogged, his ears muffled to the words that she's screaming at the top of her lungs. There's no doubt that 911 has probably been called, but he just stands there taking it. Finally, after what feels or seems like hours of her screaming at him, he lifts up his hands again, the shoe still being clutched in his hand; his mouth opens slightly as if he wants to speak, but no words are there. They just won't come. "See? You can't even think of a reason, can you, Lucas? You're too fucking stupid to come up with anything." Her words hit him like bricks and he slowly drops his arms, his head shaking slowly as he lets the shoe fall down to the floor to join the other. But he stands there on his feet, his eyes staring at her, his mouth still agape with words that are stuck in his mouth like peanut butter. At this point, he has no clue what's going on, but his air is coming back. The monster from the deep has let him go, released him back to the surface so that he can make his way back up for air, his mind slowly becoming clear. He takes a deep breath, his head shaking as he places his hands over his face to try and shake himself awake. This has to be a nightmare... but it isn't. Deep down in his heart, he knows he's not asleep. No one could be this cruel in his dreams, because those he controlled; however, when it came to real life, he had no control over that, over those things. It's in that moment he realizes he doesn't have the energy to fight. All the swimming and the loss of air just gave him no appetite for anger, nothing could come to him that he could possibly do or say to the monster that had been waiting for him at the top of the ocean, the sharks that were at its command still wafting in the water around it. "You're right. I have nothing to say." His words are said with a weakened tone, where he cannot muster more to say or think at the very least, making him sound as if he'd given up before he'd even began. He's too broken, too crushed. His chest hurts and he feels weakened. I thought this was supposed to be love, love isn't supposed to hurt, is the only thing he can think in that moment. He turns to leave, but something stops him. Maybe it's the monster or maybe it's his own inner one that causes him to turn back around and look over at her, the woman that he'd been seeing for almost a year, the woman that he'd fallen in love with when he was barely 21 years old and still wet behind the ears at the time, someone that he'd thought he'd been in love with, but it turned out to be a lie. But he turns himself back around, his eyes staring straight across the room to her, the red in her cheeks making him hurt even more. "I'm not stupid, so I'm not going to fight with you tonight. When you calm down, call me and we'll sort it all out. Goodnight, Lil." His words are soft but not as weak as before, almost as if he'd gotten his second wind. He knew he'd fight for her, he always would, but right then wasn't the time in his mind, though it was the ultimatum in her mind that had drawn their chapter closed and he'd learn that she'd never call, but he'd also never look back. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- narrative ii She faces forward. Her eyes stare straight ahead at the person sitting feet away from where she's standing. Of course, she does not move. She does not say a word, but a simple flicker of a smile begins to cross of her face. She knows love when she sees it. She sees it in his smile. She sees it by the way that he stands in front of her with his head tilted down and by the way he touches her skin. He's gentle and kind, the way a man is supposed to be when taken home to parents, or when in any normal social situation at all. The way his eyes light up when he first rolls over and looks her in the eye, that small amount of sleep still stuck in the corners of his eyes. She knows that love, that meaning of love and what it is that makes her move from day to day, from hour to hour, from moment to moment. Her eyes begin to lower as she continues to gaze, to think, and there's no evidence of what she's thinking about on her face -- other than the mere fact that it is, in fact, a happy thought. A very, very happy train of thought because it has given her a smile, a loose smile snug on her face. A smile that hasn't faded for months on end, that has stayed exactly where it is: on her features, tug from one corner of her lips to the other. What she doesn't know is that love has hidden compartments, where she cannot see and she cannot feel. There are dreams at night where that love isn't present and does not guide her home, no matter what the cost. In the future, she doesn't know it yet, but she will eventually, that the love she knows will fade and it will flicker. It'll fade with time and cease to exist in the realm of their lives. It will dissipate without notion. But in that moment, she smiles because she knows that's love. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- narrative iii There isn't much to it. Heather is nervous, almost to the point where she wants to just go for her flight and go back to Los Angeles. It's the fear of the fact that perhaps she's being too naive. Maybe she's putting herself too far out there to the point where she knows she cannot withhold any longer. She knows that she's ready but there's that slight amount of the unknown that scares her for a moment... but without a doubt, even though she can feel her heart thumping wildly in her throat from her excited little nerves! When Heather was a little girl, she had always been the girl that opened herself up to other people to the point where she would often come home in tears because of what she would let get to her. Boys had always been that thing in her life that she knew she could live without, even though she had a tendency to let herself become immersed into the ones that would dote on her and give her things, the ones that, after time, would look her in the eye and tell her they loved her and wanted to be with her, not only emotionally but intimately as well. And, frankly, Heather has never been that naive with relationships to the point where she's given herself fully to another person, at least not at a young age. Yes, she puts her heart into them fully but not to the point where she can't pull herself out of whatever hole she's put herself in. However with Dean, Heather felt safe and secure from the start. There had never been that moment of weakness where she cannot find the motivation or even enough fear that makes her feel as if she needs a plan b, a back-up that would make her feel safer and secured fully. But the fact is that Dean makes her feel at home, like she's been with him all her life. He makes her put on a smile that's never fake, that's never forced. A feeling that Heather missed, something that makes her know that she will never let him go. There's nothing in the would that could possibly try and pull her away from him. Like Alice, she knows she had fallen from the start. There was never any looking back and even a week in, she knows she's still falling. Deeper and deeper, the wind whirling around her, hitting her in the face, a face that's still covered completely in an ear-to-ear smile. Even when things seem to get rough, it's almost as if Heather knows and realizes that she's always going to be happy, like they're living in a fairytale where she's CinderHeather and he's Prince Charming! (Or Aurora and Prince Philip since that's always been her favorite Disney fairytale film.) There's absolutely no doubt in her mind and in her heart that she knows he's that person, that he's her missing half, missing piece, that missing part of her that she had always been searching for all of her life. And that's all she can think about the entire time she's sitting in the cab ride to the airport, her heart is thumping wildly in her chest. She knows she shouldn't be going this incredibly mental over a boy. But the thing is... she knows that he's not just any boy. He's the one. He's the one that she feels deep down in her bones that she was fashioned for him and he for her. Without thinking even more she leans herself forward so that she can inform the driver of a change of plans, something she is never a fan of doing. But she knows she has to before she leaves. It doesn't take long, it only takes fifteen minutes out of her schedule to the point where realizes she may miss her flight and if she does? Oh well, because Heather Holstrom knows that she's doing what needs to be done, something she had wanted to do and say the night before, but thanks to her feeling the need to drink an entire bottle of wine, she wasn't able to do it. But now? Oh now was perfect. It feels like the perfect moment, the perfect day and though she knows she still needs to leave and go back to Los Angeles, she knows she'll feel more alive, more free from the knowledge that she's put everything out there and into his hands completely. She's ready. Even as she pays the driver and grabs her bag, Heather knows she's completely ready. The smile is still on her face even as she has to coerce her way onto set and take her time to try and find his trailer. She's so ready, her heart is going wild as if she'd just drank fifteen cups of coffee before getting out of the cab! She doesn't knock and doesn't think to do anything once she's reached his trailer, bag still in her hand but the smile still tacked on her face. It's that moment that her eyes connect to his, the smile still on her face and tears welling up in her eyes and she opens her mouth and finally lets herself say it. "I love you, Dean." The words fall from her lips, her eyes finally letting the tears fall down her cheeks. She's an emotional girl, the type that cries when she's happy and excited, both of which she's feeling right at that moment. But she was ready, so ready to let him know. No doubts. None. And she's perfectly happy with that. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- narrative iv The night sky. It's always been a favorite to look at, to stare at and wonder what's going on in the universe. The stars shine and sometimes the moon will smile back as if the man inside of it is looking down on the world, giving reason to be there and to be everything, to stare at all that's going on. That's the way that she thinks of things, as if somebody is staring down at her from above, showing her that she can do anything, she can feel anything and everything. There's something there. The young girl knows that there's something there, there's always going to be that feeling, as if there really is someone or something up there, looking down on her and showering down their or its love. A special feeling She stands there, her head tilted back with a wine glass in her hand and her eyes gazing up at the sky. It's different, somehow it's different. She cannot put her finger on why or how, but it is. It's there and it's all around different, which causes her lips to tug at their corners. There's this feeling, a feeling of happiness that waves over her, a feeling that has never been so strong inside of her body. The smile, it's a smile that shines. It's the smile that signifies the mere fact that this girl, at her age, has truly found what she seeks in life and that, above all else, is happiness. Of course, everything started out in a haze and there was no doubt that she had everything that could make her happy in this life. From being a part of a loving family to being the way that things were at that very moment in time. Things would only continue to get better throughout her life. Happiness. For her, she's always seen it as a wonderful thing and has always been able to experience it. She's always seen that there have been upsides to all things, that she could never be unhappy about anything that happens in life. Things happen for a reason and in her life, she knows this. So, when bad things happen, she realizes that they're meant to occur and will occur despite anything, that she cannot resist those feelings and those happenings by any means. There's a noise behind her, and she turns her head just slightly to look back at him standing there in the backdoor, his body leaning against the frame and all she can do is let her smile spread. She is the type of person that lets her emotions show throughout her entire body, causing her to react with her entire body and every ounce of her radiates with happiness. Between the two, there's nothing happier than what they have with one another. And, despite all odds and their pasts being as they are, she's a full believer that nothing could make them happier. Because, above all else, she knows and believes that happiness is the root of life and if she has that, there's nothing that can ever go wrong. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- narrative v Sometimes things happen, and they may not be for the best, but sometimes they happen. Life will always be something that cannot be controlled, no matter how badly someone would wish to will it. It cannot be done. Things happen for a reason, and that is something that had always been told. Stories as old as time always started with that line, making it known that life was something that could not be helped. There was nothing that any one person could do to change that. It was a Friday morning when it happened. The weather outside was dreary, a light rain pouring down, droplets splattering on the windowpane, but making no noise, at least not one that could be heard by any human ear. It was soothing to fall asleep to when the drops would come down hard on the roof It was early in the morning when she received the phone call. She laid there, her eyes clinched shut, trying to ignore all that was going on, even though her cell phone was ringing endlessly on the floor beside her. She’d fallen asleep the previous night on the sofa of her tiny home, her body curled up so that her knees were pressed to her chest. It took several calls before her eyes peeled open, vision still blurry from sleeping as hard as she did, line impressions on the side of her face, and a little spot of drool still on her arm as she reached forward to look at the caller I.D., not wanting to face the fact that it could be that call. And it was. The rain, in that instant, began to fall harder, the noises more audible now that she was sitting up on the sofa with the phone pressed to her ear, listening to her mother on the other end. “I don’t know how to say this,” her words were choppy and cut short; Marissa could hear the sadness in her tone and almost see the tears streaming down her face. “Your grandma passed away, Rissa. I’m sorry.” There it was. The bomb had been dropped and she had no idea on how she should or would react in the situation before. Without a single word, she had started nodding her head as if her mother could see her. It took moments of silence before she could push the knot in her throat down long enough to choke out the word, “okay,” and hung up. Hands had pressed to her face and she sat there, shaking. Not on did her body shake, but her head was shaking along with it fervently. “No, no, no,” she had spoken softly with her hands pressed to her face. It had been a long time coming; the woman had been through three heart attacks in the last five years alone causing the walls of her heart to begin to deteriorate. It had always been something that the entire family had seen coming, but it was not always something that she believed would happen. The woman had been her best friend through the toughest of times, never once wanting or wishing for something like that to happen by any means. It was a story as old as time itself. Sometimes people die, and sometimes they simply just rise through the ashes like a phoenix and push through life. Sometimes they let go and sometimes they hold on. In this case, the flame had been extinguished, and taken Marissa’s heart with it. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- scene i For Ansley Tiernan, life was all about mystery. At least, this part of her life was all about the mysteries. People could be anyone on the internet, anyone that they ever wanted, but for her? She wanted to actually be able to be someone that most people forgot to be: she wanted to be herself. It was a new discovery for her when she'd found someone that she could connect to and with so easily without really needing to try. There had been so many obstacles in the way but she could actually be Ansley. She didn't need to put on this mask to wear and not let other people look at her and be able to see the person that she was on the inside. It was different with this guy. At least, she could be being catfished and he could be someone that she would never want to be seen with. That or he could be one of those people that would look at her and shriek. Or, be that person that was obsessed with her television show and continuously picture her in her underwear or better yet, naked. It wasn't new, she'd been there, done that. There wasn't anything she could actually do about that. But for once, she believed that wouldn't happen. Ansley had been talking to this man for a while (or she assumed he was a man; he was at least her age -- again, never really know with the internet these days and people... those crazy, crazy people), and she really did believe that he would be able to accept her for what and who she was. He had promised to show up with her favourite flower: an orange lily. Most girls wanted someone to show up with something like a daisy or even a rose, but Ansley? She much preferred lilies over any other flower. Or an orchid, but she felt that it would have been much more appropriate to show up with an orange lily. They were in season and she had many planted in her garden at her home. Sure, it wouldn't become an addition but at least she could relate with it instead of wanting or wishing to make this thing into something entirely new. If she asked for something more than that, there was no telling how she would end up acting like. She would become even more nervous with the pressure coming from everyone around. But this was better! This was so, so much better than anything else! Ansley could be herself. She'd been herself with him for so long, that there was no way she couldn't be herself. The moment that she'd finally left her home in a pair of bright red closed toe pumps and a sleek black dress, her blond hair straight and down to her shoulders. It was an intimate setting, it was. Melisse was one of those restaurants that she'd been to a thousand times and had always fallen more in love with the cuisine. So, she had focused on that: the food. Not the fact that she was meeting someone that she'd become so infatuated with, finally getting to meet the man behind the emails. Thank goodness, though, she hadn't told him what she'd be wearing, though! She'd changed her mind a thousand times before she'd set foot outside and went down to get into her taxi cab to take a ride to the restaurant. She would have normally driven herself, but if she drank wine with her dinner? Of course she'd never be able to drive herself home! Knowing Ansley, she would most definitely be the one that would want to delve into the wine list and have a glass... or four... with her dinner! Arrival. It was five minutes to 8 and she was finally nervous. She had her bright red clutch in her right hand as she stepped up the steps and to the door, her eyes peering in. She'd hoped above all hope that he was already there and then she saw it: the lily. Oh he was there! It was orange. It wasn't yellow, it wasn't white, it wasn't any other colour: it was orange. Her ultimate favourite colour in the entire universe! She was so excited, she couldn't contain herself. Then the person standing in her way moved and Ansley stopped dead in her tracks. This silhouette looked familiar. Oh no, it couldn't be. She shook her head, even as she began to back away from the door; it couldn't be him. The one person in the world that she'd avoided, or tried to avoid. She didn't know why she felt the way she did about him. It wasn't like he ran over her cat with his car and laughed while doing it. He just gave off this vibe when the'd been filming together so many years ago that Ansley couldn't stand him. She wanted to fall down on the sidewalk and start crying. The one person that she'd spilt herself to was the one person in the world she couldn't stand. And oh, God. She'd talked to him about him! This was embarrassing. She glanced at her watch and it was now five after 8. Ansley shook her head again, ignoring the fact that she was gaining attention from others around her. She looked like a mental patient! She'd stepped off to the side, near a bench and opened up her purse to take out her compact, opened it and stared at her reflection. Double green eyes staring at each other. All she could think was that she had to stand him up. Make up an excuse.. her cat died. That would be a good one. Sad, but worked. She took a step on the sidewalk and began to walk down it but stopped in her tracks again. This was brutal. She couldn't do that, even to him. Even if she knew that going into that restaurant would be the start of World War III! Ansley turned herself around and thought out a clear plan. She would be there to just have dinner. Celebration of some sort. He didn't know her life! Well, he did. He knew more than she wanted him to know, but he would't know she was who he was waiting on. She let out a sigh as she stepped back to the door and pulled it open, stepping in quietly. There were a few empty tables scattered here and there. How would she handle this? She was now fifteen minutes late and he was still standing there, though in her opinion, he looked ever so sad. But still, she knew how he was on the inside and that... that made her start to realise how attractive he really was becoming now; dammit! But that thought. That thought was what had caused a smirk to cross over her face. She could play him like a harp right now, knowing that his little Birdie wasn't exactly coming. Stepping over, she got closer to where he was waiting and cleared her throat. "You look like you've been stood up." their reply Truth be told, Ansley wasn't really one for standing people up. If it had been anyone else in the universe, she probably would have endured the dinner with a smile on her face. She had been so nervous, so excited, and then so… thrilled? Was that right? Did she even really feel like that? Maybe it was because she'd been so incredibly attracted to him for him, now she had ruined it by… well, being herself. She didn't want to ruin things with this man. Sure, maybe she didn't like the Tony she'd thought she'd known before, not the one that she often provoked fights with because she knew it made him so angry she could see the little vein in his forehead pulsing. But this one? Oh, God, she liked this one. The one she's started knowing after the fact. The one that she didn't really know physically, but emotionally. She was so attracted to this man, there was no doubt about that. Now she just had to figure out what to do. She'd spoken and she could hear and see the disappointment on his face when he saw that it was her. The last thing she had ever wanted to cause this man, before now, was misery. But now that she knew that he was someone that she was so into, Ansley knew that she wanted to be a good person. She knew that she wanted to do what was right for the man that she was looking at that so apparently would have rather choked himself with a straw than spend one more moment with her. Ansley Tiernan was, in fact, coming off as a bad person. She didn't want that to happen. She knew she would need to do something to make things much, much better, but she couldn't think of what she could do. Did she play him like a fiddle or did she do something worse than that? Should she just give up and go home, and give up on the fact that she could have fallen in love with him. He was a wonderful person and, now, she knew, that she had been so terrible throughout those years. "Oh, lovely, a lily," was said softly as he'd pushed it into her hands. And left. She'd ruined it by just showing her face. A part of her wanted to just suck it up and confess. It wasn't like she was toying with him when she was getting to know him. It wasn't like she was pretending to be someone else to toy with his emotions! She really was trying to get to know him because, well, because she'd opted to secretly be into the online thing. Ansley hadn't told anyone that she'd been into it and had never really wanted any other person in the world to know that she couldn't find anyone to spend time with, someone that she was emotionally attracted to. There were plenty of men that she worked with over the years and she had known it would be a difficult way to get to people, what being in the acting business, but Ansley had opted into doing everything. She wanted to find someone that would like her for her, not her for the things that she'd been in or her money or her looks, nothing like that. She wanted someone that would appreciate her for the way that she was on the inside. Her personality, even though she'd only ever been harsh with Tony. The woman had asked her if she wanted a table, and she shook her head no as she quietly left the restaurant and was going to go home, but with a turn of her head, she noticed that he was seated off to the side, checking his phone to see if he had an email. Of course, she knew he didn't because she hadn't sent him one just yet. Maybe she should sneak off and send him one, telling him that she had a family emergency or something. But the thing was, she didn't want him to leave. She wanted to be the one to have him talk to her, to act like they could make something out of everything, to have a beautiful conversation and to laugh, even though she knew that that wasn't going to be happening. Maybe he would accept her and they could be… happy? Something? Maybe, but she'd need to be the one to crack that nut. Ansley let out a soft sigh and stepped over to where he was seated; she knew that he wasn't going to want her near him… and if she were in his shoes, she wouldn't even want her nearby. "I didn't mean to press any buttons. I've been stood up before, it sucks. I wouldn't wish that on anybody," she said as she placed her clutch purse on her lap, the lily still in her other hand. She wasn't going to toss it away, that would have been a terrible idea. Ansley knew it would be a bad idea to try and get him to eat dinner with her, because she knew that he would end up saying no, anyway. Her voice had been soft as she spoke, really wanting him to know that she was being completely, completely sincere. She wanted something to happen so that she could do something to make him see that no, no she wasn't as bad as she always had come off as being and really was the Birdie he'd wanted so badly to meet. their reply When he asked her why she was even there, Ansley couldn't think quickly enough on why she was there. Did she spill her secret? Did she flat out lie? The latter seemed like a much better idea, likely enough that he would believe her, right? She could tell him it was because she decided to come out and it just happened to be the place she liked to dine? All alone? At this time of night? Dressed like this? Right, Ansley, get ahold of yourself! He wouldn't believe that lie if she painted it on a canvas the size of Mount Rushmore!! She may have thought differently (before, at least), but he wasn't exactly a moron. He wouldn't believe that sort of lie. Instead, she just let her eyes gaze over the contours of his face, the way he looked, the sadness in his eyes that she just couldn't ignore. "Well, that's nice and though I shouldn't divulge on my shits and which ones I give, I really did mean it." She shrugged her shoulder and turned her head to look away, acting as if she were waiting on someone herself. She was desperate to think of what to say. Why was she there? Oh, duh, to meet up with him. He didn't know that, but she did. She had to play it off cool and natural. "If it makes you feel any better to know that I'm this big of a loser, I just felt like getting dressed up and going out to eat dinner. I was bored at home and just felt like coming out to eat. Sometimes, it's a great way to meet someone, at least if going to a bar afterwards pans out in my favor," she said with a soft laugh as she spoke, a shrug of her shoulder, even if she felt silly about it. Plus, it wasn't exactly a great lie, but hey, she had to think of something and he didn't always listen to her anyway, it seemed. Come to think of it, she couldn't even remember the last time she did try to talk to him. It was all on her shoulders, anyway. She was the one that had basically always been the mean one. He'd never done anything other than give her a vibe that he didn't like her so she tossed that back to him tenfold. It was childish. It was immature. It was really, really incredibly stupid of her because deep down, he really was a wonderful person that she wanted to get to know better now. She'd ignored him when he told her she should just go back inside so he could leave. She knew he was brooding. Technically, she was there. He was on his date, but it was unknowing for him that they were there, they were on it. But, she wasn't going to completely ruin his night. Maybe that was why she didn't want to talk to him about the fact that she was who he was waiting on! If her mother had been there, she would have pressed the fact that she was in the wrong and that she needed to be nicer to this guy. After all, Ansley was attracted to him in more than one way. Why not just try to get to know him better and try to right the wrong that she'd caused years ago. He was only ever trying to be civil with her, right? Why not put her best foot forward and try to make it better? He hadn't looked at her and seemed to continuously refresh his email constantly, something that she really wanted change, too. It took everything in Ansley not to take out her phone and email him from it… but that would seem so, so, so suspicious for the mere fact that she was sitting right there beside him and pulling that stunt would just make him want to fall over and die from the fact that she was Birdie, the woman that he was waiting on and the woman who was so incredibly into him that she had been going nuts over that night for hours. With a sigh, she turned herself so that she could face him better, despite the fact that he wasn't looking at her. "Would you like to join me for dinner?" Sure, he thought he looked like a fool, but she knew she wasn't going to use anything against him! Dammit, why couldn't she have shown more compassion and friendliness toward him in the past? If he didn't accept it, Ansley would probably try her best to push at him to join her. She wasn't going to try her hardest to make him uncomfortable. If he wanted her to leave him alone, she would. There was nothing at all he could do or say that could make her push at him and try to get him to want to spend time with her. If he didn't want it, he wouldn't have to endure it. their reply Maybe it was a bad idea to ask him to join her for dinner. She'd done it because she felt terrible for somewhat standing him up but she knew that, deep down, she really wanted to spend the evening with him. There had been that feeling of ecstaticness that had crossed over and around her when he'd basically gave up and decided to eat with her. Of course, Ansley couldn't let that show aside from a small smile, one that she would give to anyone. She was trying; oh, how she was trying! Ansley just wanted this man to see that she could be that sweet, funny, caring person that he called Birdie, that he was wanting all this attention from. Ansley wanted to show Tony that he could get that from her and that he didn't need to fully rely on someone that he was entangled with online. But the emails. She was so honest and put her heart out there in those emails. In a strange way, she trusted the man. By the time she was seated, Ansley placed her clutch purse beside her and let her eye simply stare at her menu. This was awkward. There were so many things flying through her mind but she couldn't bring things up that he had never told her, but had only told her through emails. That was the biggest dilemma she was going through: inner turmoil on trying to figure out what they'd possibly spoken about together on set. She tried to keep her mind on the then and there, not wanting to let her mind wander into another area of her world. Maybe this could work. There really just had to be something she could get done between them to make him realize that he could, really, want to be with her. It sounded sad and pathetic, and she knew that, but it was true! Oh, the irony. If only she could admit that she wanted to make him happy. He just seemed to sad all of the time; and she was to blame for it right then and there, and every time he was near her. She had this way of just making Tony seem… miserable. It was her fault, of course, and she knew that. Ansley had always know that. There was no easy way around it: she had to change it. So, once she ordered a glass of wine and they both ordered their meals, the menus had been taken away and there was nothing there to distract by reading. Awkward, silent, weird. There was that feeling deep inside that made her want to confess everything, make it right and become something poets wrote tales about -- but he'd leave. He'd tell her to go fuck herself and to leave, never speak to her again. She couldn't have that. "So, I know," her words were sort of soft and she wanted to lean in farther against the table so that no one around could hear what she was saying; "I know this isn't what you had in mind for your night." Great, Ansley, just speak the obvious. He didn't want to be there and she could tell in the mere fact that he wasn't talking to her and just wanted to sit there. It wasn't a pity dinner by any means. In fact, it was the dinner date she'd come there for! She'd opened her mouth to say another useless and pointless thing but the waitress had brought over their drinks and Ansley motioned for her to just leave the bottle since she would most likely continue drinking just to loosen herself up. Despite everything, she was still nervous! "So, how was your day?" That's awesome, too, Ansley. Just keep saying stupid things that he'd just roll his eyes at and make her look and feel like even more of an idiot. But, good grief, she was trying so hard to make herself seem nicer. If he'd just explode on her and get everything out of his system, maybe this would go better. Though that would just make her cry. In reality, she was confused on what she wished would happen, but the thing she had to remember the most was that she just needed to make him fall for her. One side was enough, now to her face was her main mission in life... after sneaking away to the bathroom later to write a quick email to him to explain why she 'didn't show up' for dinner. their reply All she could do was sit there and take everything that he was throwing at her. Had she really been that bad? Sure, she wasn't that great with dealing with him and never had. There had been so many times when she'd just insulted him for absolutely no reason other than the fact that she could. Wasn't a great idea then and she was paying for it now. She knew she deserved everything he said, but it was like daggers were spilling out of his mouth, flying from his tongue and striking her with every single word that he said. It hurt. For someone who apparently didn't have a heart, when it came from Tony Deboer… she sure could feel it sinking from her chest and down into her stomach. All she could think to herself was oh God, please don't cry, please don't cry, please don't cry. But she had to sit there and endure every little thing that he said. It was just a kick in the ribs, right? She could take it then things would even out and go back to normal… normalish. Maybe. Perhaps… no, no, definitely not. "I.." her mouth had opened but he'd continued to go on about why he thought she had asked him inside. Deep in her cavernous where her heart had dwelled, she wanted to scream out everything, to give the big acting debut of a century. Only it wouldn't' be acting. He'd think it were, but it wouldn't be. So far from being something like that and she could feel herself wanting to break. When she'd first seen him and saw how broken he seemed, Ansley could feel the hurt. She'd wanted to milk this for the gold, but she couldn't take it that far anymore, not when she'd seen how distraught he'd been when it had been her who had shown up for a 'lonely by herself dinner' and supposedly just there to mock him. She didn't mean to, she didn't even want to! Without thinking, she reached out and grabbed his wrist so that he wouldn't storm out. "I'm sorry," was all she could squeak out. The words wouldn't come and she couldn't think of anything that she could say to make him see that she wasn't there to humiliate him. She wasn't there to make him feel like a fool and to make him think that she was going to tell everyone and to laugh at him and his misery. "I'm sorry." She couldn't even think. All that Ansley could do was stare up at him from where she was still seated, her hand releasing the grip she'd had on his wrist. She'd caused distress on this man, the person that she'd come to meet because she'd wanted something with him. Her heart had been so into him and had wanted nothing more than to see how much he could make her heart skip a beat in person, to hear him laugh, to see his smile lines that she'd dreamt that he'd have; he just seemed like such wonderful person and there was nothing that she wouldn't have done to make this man fall for her, to look her in the eye and just know that he wanted to be with her for her. The last thing she wanted was to be seen crying because of all this, to feel her heart breaking. Ansley had to turn her face away so that she couldn't be seen as being hurt. Suppress the feelings. Just suppress them and keep your dignity, was all she could keep thinking to herself, despite the fact that she could feel her heart, that had now seemingly took residence in the pit of her stomach, breaking in half. So she had to watch him walk away and hopefully, oh praying basically, that he wouldn't give up on her. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- scene ii Ansley hadn't been so nervous in all her life. Even when she was acting at the age of ten years old, her nerves then didn't and couldn't compare to what they were going through now. She was so full of what if's and crazy thoughts on what she should do. Even her girlfriends were trying to give her advice on what she should do about everything. Tell the truth, they said. It'll make him respect you more and probably even make him see what you're really like! Though she loved and adored both of her best girlfriends there was no way possible that Ansley could handle that sort of situation. It seemed, though, that she'd been trying her hardest to make Tony like her. He already seemed to be attracted to her via emails, so how hard could it be to make her attractive to him in this way, too? It couldn't be that hard… though she had to counter in the fact that a. she lied to him, b. he hated her and c. she hadn't been at all nice to him in the past. In fact, there had been a few times when they were civil during filming, but it could have been the mere fact that she'd started to have a crush on him via that, then pushed it away and let it fester into something else. Or it could have merely been the small fact that she'd heard something 'he' said from someone else about her, which hadn't even been true. The curse of believing rumors! Her nerves had curled up into a gigantic ball. She was driving herself insane and she was pushing him far more than she wanted or even really meant to push him. In fact, she didn't mean to push at all. Ansley had this way about her where she wanted all or she wanted nothing. She wanted to pull him in tight and kiss him, but she knew that he wouldn't want that. He'd probably have a complete freak out and never want to see her again if she were so bold. As she'd sat at her kitchen table, her iPad on its stand beside her laptop and a glass of white wine to her right, she just kept thinking of what to do. Did she just tell the truth? Did she ruin everything that could have been? What if she said one little thing that made him connect her to being Birdie? Well, her little freak out wasn't helping. She wanted him to want her, and going that way wasn't exactly the right way to go about it. Ansley had many regrets, and if she had to be honest? She would have put that one at the very, very top of the list. It was just growing, but she had to push it away. She had to push her thoughts to the side and try to realize that she had to do the right thing. Eventually. Yes, eventually. She'd tell him exactly who she was eventually and hope, and pray that he wouldn't hate her for it. After all, wouldn't the most important fact be that she didn't know it was him until most recently?! That had to mean something. There was no way she could have known it was him before then. She'd closed her laptop and locked her iPad, setting them to the side as she put a wine plug in the bottle she'd only opened earlier in the day. Not much was missing, not enough to cause her to become a drunken maniac who couldn't even walk. Really, all that it would cause would be a little bit of giggling... and strange paranoia. Curse you, heart for liking and wanting someone that you couldn't have. Curse you, body, for not being able to handle even just a glass of wine without wanting to topple into areas of the brain that one never really should topple into. Why couldn't she just have her cake and eat it, too? Why didn't she just treat him better in the past so that he wouldn't be so untrusting of her? It was her own fault and she had no one else to blame but herself. With those thoughts, Ansley had to pull herself together. This couldn't be like that. She was becoming a case where she really just needed to simmer down and take one step at a time or else she was going to scare him away not only physically but emotionally as well. It wasn't going to help her case, either way. As those thoughts twirled within her mind, she'd gotten up from the table and went upstairs to start getting ready for that night. She wasn't sure what it was classified as, but in her mind, it was somewhat a cross between a semi-friendly get together and a way for her to prove herself a little bit with him. It wasn't PR, it wasn't for her agent, it wasn't for anything but herself. Once she'd donned the red floral lace dress she'd purchased from Forever21, it took her another five minutes to choose which pair of booties, or pumps, she wanted to wear with it -- she was such a girly girl when it came down to it and what she'd said in her email to him was true; she had so many different pairs of shoes that she didn't know what she wanted to wear with it! The dress was red, so she knew she'd need to pair it with black, so she did. A complete flip flop of what she'd worn a few nights ago, on what was supposed to be a romantic evening with the man she'd been flirting with online for so long. Instead of the normal pumps, Ansley went with a pair of velvet black wedges. She loved the being taller thing, and it was so lovely to not be so short as she always felt like she was, even though she wasn't really short, even for a woman. She was actually average height for a woman! It didn't occur to her, until she was halfway through putting on her make-up that she really needed to text him where she'd meet him for a beer. Maybe she was overdoing everything. She was dressing up like it were a date, when she knew it wasn't, but she wanted to look... really good. Attract physically, or attempt it. She had a nice figure, so it could happen. Again, she let herself get caught up in her thoughts before she was sitting on her bed texting him on where to meet her. It probably would have been better to meet somewhere in LA but, she sent him the address of Chloe, one of her favorite bars to visit. It was nice, and it had food. It was such a beautiful, dark setting. It was perfect, at least to her. And she hoped he wouldn't mind it one bit. The text message was sent and Ansley, all she could do was change out of the red purse into a black clutch and wait. She wasn't waiting on him because she knew that he wasn't going to be picking her up. She could have offered to pick him up, but that would be strange and she wasn't going to do that. Driving out to LA to pick him up just seemed silly. She did know that she could offer to pay for his ride home if he didn't drive himself, and she would if she knew how to ease into that. But everything that happened almost seemed like he was trying to push it toward being pity when she just wanted to get him to like her for a person, and not the terrible human being she had been in the past. All these were thoughts she'd had as she was seated in the back of the car, her eyes gazing out the window before she realized she forgot to apply lipstick, which she finished putting on the moment the car pulled up to the bar she was meeting him. Soon, soon, soon. It wasn't completely crowded by the time she arrived at Chloe, she knew she was a little bit early. It was the nerves and the fact that she was putting so much into it. She didn't want him to think she was having him drive all the way out there to have a drink and her just not show up. That wasn't what she wanted it to be like for him, not that kind of experience. Ansley wanted so badly for Tony to feel better about her, to feel like he could actually talk to her as a person. She was trying, that was all she could do, wasn't it? If there were an easier way out, she would take it, or at least some way, a clue from him on how to get him to like her, even just a little bit. She got a table in the corner, her back to the wall and her clutch on the table. She'd immediately ordered a plate of french fries to ease her nerves and a Boulevardier to go with it. Maybe not a delicious sounding combination, but Ansley couldn't just drink on an empty stomach. The more she waited, the more she started to realize that it was too romantic of a setting and she looked too dressed up for meeting someone that so obviously didn't like her. But she was willing to be made a fool, if it by chance meant that he was even just a small amount softening up to her... or so she thought and so she equally hoped. their reply If she'd known that he was looking forward to a hole in the wall skanky bar, he underestimated this woman. Ansley had a way with always choosing nice places that she thought fit with herself. She considered herself to be classy, even though Tony obviously probably didn't think the same. It wasn't that she thought completely high of herself, she just liked what she liked and she hoped that he would like the same thing. She'd expected more than she was going to get, of course, that was always how it ended up being. She was really a classy woman. It wasn't that she was cocky or had a big ego, at least not for the most part, but Ansley just had a high class taste when it came to restaurants. It was better than a small hole in the wall. When she'd glanced up and saw that he was there, a small smile crossed over her face. She knew she didn't know any of these people and couldn't care less about photographers by any means. She didn't want to make him uncomfortable! Ansley didn't know what she should have expected. Maybe a nicer welcome than a cold greeting, to the point where she'd slightly risen out of her comfortable seat but when she noticed he was just going to sit down instead of paying any attention to her, she just acted as if she were shifting in her seat, the smile lowering on her face again. "I just thought you'd like it. I didn't know you didn't want somewhere nice and public," she said with a shrug of her shoulder, her hands crossed in her lap. Instead of looking down at her lap and trying her best not to actually look at him, Ansley kept her eyes on him. She could see that he didn't want to be there. There was just something about him that made him seem so uncomfortable and not want to even look at her, much less be in her company. What was she doing wrong? She wasn't trying to humiliate him, and she didn't know how to get him to realize that. There was absolutely no reason what so ever for her to even remotely think or consider that she would do that to him. He just wouldn't believe her, and Ansley had no earthly idea on how to make him see that she was, in fact, trying her hardest with him. She'd put on a nice dress, put forth the effort and he showed up looking like he hadn't showered in a few days or even slept much, really. What was she doing wrong?! "I brought my mother here the last time she was in town visiting. I've only been here a few times, but it's one of those places that you visit and you just enjoy the atmosphere, and you just want to have others experience it with you, you know?" Her eyes stayed on him as she spoke, her lips curling into a smile again, and again with every few things that she said. She was being genuine with her words; her tone wasn't harsh and wasn't coming off as sarcastic or fake. She was just being herself, and that was all she could muster up to become. "I would've ordered your drink, but I wasn't fully sure what you wanted. You seem like a bourbon guy, though, more than beer." As she spoke, Ansley unfolded her hands from her lap and moved closer to being on the edge of her seat, to lean forward just slightly. She could see that he wasn't wanting to be there, but part of her would have fought to keep him there, despite his misery. She didn't want to be the old Ansley. She wanted to be herself, and nothing else, not wanting to upset him by any means, but there were so many things she wanted to say or ask, just not wanting to force him to run away. Sure, he probably had better things to do but he did agree to have a drink with her, and she was trying her best to get him to stay. She wasn't doing this for PR or her friends, her agent, no one. It was all Ansley, and he just didn't believe that regardless of what she said. Why did she have to be so deep in a hole that she couldn't get herself out of it? "Why won't you believe that I just want to get to know you? I just…" she paused her words as she took a sip of her drink and placed it back on the table, "I just want to." their reply He was right. If she'd just asked him what he liked instead of assuming it would be on the same vein as the restaurant he'd chosen, this might have not been feeling so awkward. Sure, conversation was awkward enough but she couldn't make that any different without spilling her guts. The words were on the tip of her tongue and she kept playing the scenarios over and over and over again in her mind. He'd think the worst of the entire situation and wouldn't give her the benefit of the doubt that who he'd learned about online was really who she was. It had been months of flirting, months. She couldn't fake that if she tried, and the mere fact of the matter was that she hadn't tried to fake anything. She wanted to desperately to keep Tony from finding out she was the one he seemed into but physically speaking, she wasn't his type. He made that clear with the way he'd eyed the waitress, accepted her number. Ansley couldn't even think of what to say about any of this. Act jealous? That's child's play. Sure, that tinge was there and she wanted to be all hey look at me, I'm here, but she couldn't. What would he think? And why in the world did she keep embarrassing herself by mentioning her mother? Why, why, why, why, why?! Ansley was coming off a complete selfish little brat. Okay, so she didn't think she'd done anything worthy of being called a brat. She wasn't trying to bait him into anything, and she wasn't trying to pick a fight. She was trying her best to be herself and to open up, even though he knew the inner workings of her already ― he just didn't know it. Maybe that was the problem all along? Maybe it was the fact that he knew her without even knowing her. And he wanted a reason on why the change of heart. She could just spill everything and get it over with. Her friends had said that was her best bet, but she was so scared she'd lose him, and that was the last thing she wanted to do. If he'd been the one to discover her there, waiting for him, he would have just laughed at her, probably. He would have acted the same way and told her she couldn't be serious. That this was all some elaborate prank and… basically, it couldn't be, could it? If she were the vulnerable one in the situation? Could that be considered a prank? Why couldn't she have just arrived earlier than she did and maybe all this wouldn't be this way. That was a scenario she'd played out in her head, or rather, romanticized it in her head, that he would have seen the real her and it could have lead to a happily ever after. But this? Oh, why didn't she just say who she was and what her reasons were? He wouldn't believe her, either way, probably. She took another sip of her drink and placed it back on the small round table between them, her eyes staring down at her hands that she placed back on her lap. Taking in a deep breath through her nostrils, Ansley finally had to just… do it. Her nerves were bundled up and going crazy with everything. Her heart was pumping wildly in her throat. She actually felt and probably looked… nervous, almost to the point of being a deer in headlights. Ansley was, in all ways, confused and didn't know what to say. Clearing her throat, she lifted her head and just looked at him. "You want a reason?" It was rhetorical and she knew he knew that. He didn't need to tell her about it again, only because it would annoy him, and for once in her life, that was the last thing that she wanted to do. Ansley, legitimately, did not want to upset Tony and didn't want anything bad to happen between the two of them. They'd been through enough in the past for that, and didn't need it any longer. Why couldn't she just spill it out and be done with it? She knew he wouldn't want to be there any more if she was the girl that he'd been so flirtatious with, the girl that he'd gotten to be so vulnerable and open with him. Ansley had spilled herself out to him and had put so many thoughts into what things could be like with him ― even before she knew the man was Tony. "You want a reason," was reiterated as she swallowed hard; it felt like her heart was now beating heavily and fast in her mouth, to the point where he could probably see it with every single word that she spoke. "I wanted you to get to know the real me to see what I'm not some insensitive bitch who always wants to make your life miserable, because I'm not. I wanted you to see that there's more to me, because there is. I'm not who you think I am. I mean, what I said earlier, it wasn't a lie…" her words were soft as she spoke, and she'd drifted off with thinking about the way he'd looked at her before. Now he just seemed angry and annoyed, which she didn't want. She didn't want to make a scene, but she could feel herself getting close to it. Ansley was embarrassed and felt like it was just what he needed, to make her feel like the imbecile when it came down to it. But she couldn't scream out anything that would lead him to believe something otherwise. If she ruined her biggest secret now, he would never speak to her again, which wasn't really what she wanted. At all. Maybe this was a bad idea, despite the fact that she wanted to just rip herself open to show that she was serious. Maybe a change in scenery was something he'd want more? Opening up her purse, she pulled out her wallet to place enough money on the table and more to cover the drinks and, without thinking, she stood up and looked down at him with a small smile on her face, "I have a better idea." She reached down to grab him and pull him up as best as she could and lead him out the oh-too-fancy bar that she'd picked. There was a smaller place nearby, somewhere that he would probably enjoy more. Not somewhere she took her mother. What had she been thinking?! Her mother. He wasn't her mother. That was her biggest mistake all day long, stupid, stupid girl. Why had she mentioned it was a place she brought her mother? Stupid girl. Once Ansley had gotten him outside, she turned around and motioned for him to follow her. "It's just right this way, and I think you'll like it more." It really didn't take that long and she was honestly shocked he hadn't just disappeared on her by the time she'd gotten him to the more sports bar and down to earth place that he was so used to going to, apparently. Ansley had opened up the door and let him go in first and she followed suit, letting the door close behind her. It was darker and danker, somewhere she had been once or twice, but not a place she would frequent. Stepping up to the bar, she ordered two Guinness, which apparently was what he liked, and once it was placed on the bar and she had paid for them both, she turned around to give him one while she took a sip from the other. Maybe this was better for getting him to actually talk to her? Maybe not, maybe so, it was worth a shot? "Better?" their reply (which ended the scene)